Computer, you complete me...

I came to the realization over the past 2 weeks that I am half human, half robot. I learned this after finding it extremely difficult to function as a human without my computer. Yes, I am that lame.

2 weeks ago my computer suffered a stroke and died. Cause of death? Undetermined. It is still too painful and too fresh to go through all the details. All I know is my computer completely shut down, I panicked, tried to shock it-well not really, that would likely result in a fire-but I practically gave it mouth to mouth while screaming, "Don't give up on me...I love you!" Ok, that might be a slight exaggeration, however this tragedy occurred at roughly 1:25am (Eastern time) and there were no conscious witnesses.

I spent HOURS the next day on the phone with I kid you not, THIRTEEN different HP/Tech/Tormentors. I was at about my breaking point when this conversation ensued:

(After already being forced by one phone tech to attempt to do open heart surgery on the computer tower, 10 techs later, and 6 hours later...)

*This conversation is real and actually occurred as stated below.

Tormentor: "Ma'am, please try to unscrew the screws that are attached to the side panel of the tower-"

Me: "NO!!!! I am NOT going through THAT again! No! I do not want to take apart the tower, that makes me feel very uncomfortable, I have a warranty!"

Tormentor: "Ma'am I need you to first-"

Me: "NO! The other guy already made me do that. He had me unscrew the panel, look inside and try to remove parts that would NOT come out. I do not have a screw driver that small! I am not a computer technician, I have a warranty! Why can't someone else take care of this problem!?"

Tormentor: "Ma'am I am trying to help you with this problem, but first I need you to tell me what you saw when you opened up the computer. What did you do?"

Me: Large Sigh. "Fine. I..." Told him everything I did.

At this point, Akael got sneaky, he started asking me if I did this or that when the tower was open...and, could I try to trace the bundle of wires attached to the mother board?

Wait! WHAT THE? He was trying to get me to take parts out of the computer again? I felt like I was in some sort of weird technology horror movie. I could just see all the bored computer technicians gathered around Akael's computer screen laughing hysterically at my almost mental breakdown. "Tell her to gently pop out the fan! Haha! Its screwed in! Haha! She'll feel like a dumb ass! Haha! Tell her to put her computer in the toilette! Haha..."

Although I was VERY near jumping off a cliff...or the couch, I indulged Akael as he gave me a crash course in mother board 101, computer lingo, and the hard wiring of a HP Pavilion Slimline. I could really give a sh** about all that, but if it got me to that beautiful point in the conversation where he would ask me for my warranty info I would endure.

I will spare you the gruesome details and the horrific things he made me do with the wires..unlatching wires..reattaching wires...all sorts of mad scientist stuff. I'll just bring you in to the end of the conversation, otherwise known as my full technology mental breakdown.

Me: "I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I HAVE BEEN ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS AND TALKED TO EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT HP! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! I HAVE A WARRANTY! WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME TRY TO REPAIR MY COMPUTER. IT DIED ALL THE WAY LAST NIGHT. THERE IS NO GREEN LIGHT OR YELLOW LIGHT ANYWHERE!!! AND I FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING INSIDE MY COMPUTER! I DON'T EVEN THINK WE ARE LOOKING AT THE SAME COMPUTER!! I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I HAVE A WARRANTY!!!!!

Akael the Tormentor: With a slight chuckle-no exaggeration.

Me: "I am not an idiot! I actually know how to use a computer pretty well. But there are major idiots out there who own computers! And I do not believe you make all of them open up their computers and take out parts. Half of those idiots don't probably even own a screw driver or know how to use one. Why are you making me do this? AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Akael the Tormentor: Pleased that he had seen me crack. "OK Ma'am. I just need you to do one more thing for me. Screw the side panel back on and reattach the computer to the monitor and the power source and try to turn it on."

Me: WTF? You have GOT to be kidding me? Is that all? "Oh, is that all? Then what?"

Akael the Tormentor: Please Ma'am, can you do this for me and then tell me what happens.

After indulging Akael, I attempted to turn on the computer. Guess what happened? NOTHING!!! Just like I knew was going to happen roughly seven hours before that. When you see your own computer die before your own eyes, you know when its dead and its not coming back.

Akael's response to this: "OK, so it appears there is in fact something wrong with the town and it is not the monitor. I will now take down your information and someone will call you in the next 24 hours with further instructions. A box will most likely be shipped to you and you will mail in your computer tower in this box for repair."

What is this, mission impossible? At this point I was able to step away from the ledge. It only look 7 and a half hours and 13 people to get to the warranty info. I looked at my "HP care pack services" packet and now understood what the "In-home repair service" meant. I also scoffed at the picture on the cover with a grandfatherly man helping a family understand their computer problem.

Long story short:
Our computer is home safe-after being delivered in a not so safe box with little explanation of anything. I do know he had a heart transplant-AKA-the hard drive was replaced. On the plus side, I am thankful we actually had a warranty and did not have to buy a new computer. Although, I was seconds away from shouting, "Screw you Akael! I am going to the Apple Store! Take your HP Slimline and shove it!" On the minus side, I am very sad that none of our pictures, music, or documents could be recovered...or so they say. They are tormentors over at HP so who knows...

I don't know that I will ever get that image out of my head of my computer fully open and exposed, mother board and all, but I will try to heal and back up everything while I am at it! Oh, wait I currently have nothing to back up.

Me: Fists raised and on my knees "HP!!!"

Going for the dramatic finish.

PS: I have also learned I do not need a computer to complete me.

WHY WEDNESDAY 3

The evening WHYS:

When Isla launched her bowl of pears across the room, WHY did it have to land all over the wall, ceiling, couch, floor, vacuum cleaner, carpet, and table. SERIOUSLY! That was ridiculous.

WHY did Isla launch pears across the room today in the first place?

WHY do the ants return, even after I have killed the queen! (according to the ant trap box, which guarantees a dead queen within 24 hours and a dead ant population).

WHY can't John and Kate just suck it up and fight for their marriage?

WHY can't Kate get that big chunk of hair trimmed?

WHY do I have such a disdain for my own foot maintenance?

WHY is my husband so hot? (no complaints!)

WHY do I seriously have idea ADD?

WHY do people become obsessed with facebook applications?

WHY can't I ever be neighbors with this girl again?

"THAT is a BAD IDEA" Thursday

Last Thursday I discussed the biblike necklace as an incredibly bad idea. Today I would like to dedicate a little time to a number of bad ideas that are on my mind, in no particular order...

• A little junk in the trunk...ok. Junk spilling out of your trunk-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Smoking 2 millimeters outside the entrance to the store I am trying to walk into with my small children-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Taking your snotty nosed, coughing kid to the park or the Barnes and Noble to mingle with the other kids and give them bear hugs-THAT IS A BAD IDEA (at least try to keep it a secret your kid is sick).
• Licking bubbles off the floor (Isla)-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Blue unitards for pregnant ladies-for anybody! THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• More than one patty of beef in a sandwich at any fast food establishment-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• The baby bjorn...for the most part-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• No deodorant-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Touching a pregnant woman's belly without permission-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Asking a woman if she is pregnant-even if she looks like she could give birth that minute-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Touching a little babie's hand who is not your baby in the line at the store-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Commenting on someone's weight gain-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Using the credit card checks your credit card company sends you in the mail-THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
• Not heading my advice on all of the above items. THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
  

WHY WEDNESDAY 2?

MY WEDNESDAY WHYS AT 12:01 AM SHARP.

Why is Walmart like a black hole?
Why do kids NEVER (maybe once a year) sleep in?
Why am I STILL, 2 weeks later, thinking about this (See Why #7).
Why would anyone mail order a husband? I mean a wife I can see, but a husband?
Why do Eggo waffles taste so good?
Why does it seem like I barely get past the starting line in my long list of "to dos" by the end of the day?
Why do I find mom blog swearing so hilarious?
Why does the individual who shall remain nameless (because I don't know his name) who has led worship the last 2 Sundays (luck us-totally sarcastic) refuse to leave any hymn verses out? I don't even think Jesus meant us to sing ALL the verses!
Why does Chris Harrison, the host of the Bachelor/Bachelorette ALWAYS have to announce when it is the last rose? Like everyone is not already staring at that last rose. I mean seriously, how many seasons are we down now? I think we get the freakin' rose ceremony by now.

I would like to take a brief moment to dedicate this last "WHY" to hubs. AF, wherever you are (actually you re laying in bed behind me asleep while I stay up to late typing about you), know that this "WHY" is for you.

Why did hubs have to demolish my cherry tomato plant with a medicine ball? **

**Due the strangeness of this "Why," I feel it is as necessary to explain this "Why" further. See the following post.

"THAT is a BAD idea" Thursdays

After reading Lindsay Ferrier's blog post over at "Suburban Turmoil." (courtesy of my BFF) I was startled, confused, and concerned. Ferrier's hilarious observations about the current fashion trends pushed me to embark on a small quest of my own for answers. And so "That is a bad idea Thursdays" was born. I wondered, “How many bad trends are out there right now?” Some of my findings were alarming.

For today's post I have chosen to focus on the "Biblike Necklace" for the first ever installment of "That is a bad idea Thursdays."Granted, the adult bib jewelery is not the worst trend I have ever seen, and definitely not even in the same league as the trends Lindsay uncovered. My only hope as that you stumble upon this post and heed my advice before succumbing to one of these “trends” in the name of high fashion.

For the sake of full disclosure I admit that I am in no way a fashion expert and own an obscene amount of yoga pants. I confess I wore a lace up black velvet body suit in the eighth grade and there is documentation in the form of photographs of me wearing the silk shirt vest combo in my youth. I admit I wore overalls in college too. Now that we have that out in the open I would like to share with you some of my findings.

My first source for fashion guidance, Glamour Magazine. Admittedly, there were a number of helpful "Dos" and "Donts" that Glamour had to share. I wish they had chosen not to share with us trends like the "biblike necklace" and "harlem pants" (MC Hammer anyone?) trends.

1. The "Biblike Necklace." First off, any trend that starts with the word "Bib" should probably be avoided unless you are a baby. Glamour tells us that "you may think you DON'T need this trend but you DO." I am telling you, you may think you DON'T need this trend and you are right. Apparently "one of these bad boys will make your trusty old t-shirt and jeans look like a million bucks," according to Glamour. I am here to tell you that if you wear a "biblike necklace" with your trusty t-shirt and jeans you will look stupid. You will not look like a million bucks, you will look like you are half way playing adult dress up. Please DON'T wear this trend with a t shirt to pick up your kids from school. DON'T wear this trend to the grocery store with your favor t either. People will stare and not in a good way. DON'T do this.

THE BIBLIKE NECKLACE (Some recommendations from the "experts")

For $238 this beauty is all yours. (Disclaimer: If you want to wear this large necklace with an outfit that is in the 0.2% of outfits it could actual look ok with, I won't complain. Good luck finding the outfits!)
I just want you to imagine sporting this bad boy in your "trusty casual t shirt" Now unimagine it. Enough said.


A beautiful LARGE coral colored coral looking bib. Only $750.00
Why not look like the coral reef is protruding from your neck? Super comfy I am sure.


A steal! Originally $429.00! Can be yours today for $299.00 I call this Cleopatra meets Mr T.
Go and tour an Egyptian Exhibit at the museum and feel right at home.


Hey, if you're into crystals, why not buy this bad boy for $350.00?
Think of all the energy you could be sending off? Superpowers!

THE SUMMER T.

I love this shirt.
It says, "CALIFORNIA" all in caps.
I feel like every summer I have a t-shirt that is THE shirt of the season. The shirt that eventually ends up faded, with a bleach spot, and stains from the normal everyday life of a mommy.
The shirt eventually makes its way to the bottom drawer of the dresser transforming into a "sleep shirt."

Why do I love THIS shirt?

1. I discovered it on the sale rack at Old Navy. What's not to love about a sale?
   
2. It was marked "$6.99" which was acceptable, but rang up at $4.99. I loved it even more.
3. Its a bright and cheery orange. Perfect for summer.
   

The shirt makes its debut...

I wore the shirt on Thursday to a playdate at my new friend Lilli's house. She originates from California and I think she appreciated the shout out. The shirt now makes me think of new friends.

I wore the shirt the next day. Yes, I wore the exact same outfit unwashed, 2 days in a row-no shame. I wore it to honor my dear friend who is moving to California in 17 days. I think she liked my tribute. The shirt now reminds me of her.

I knew this shirt would be special when I found it on the overflowing sale rack. I even tried to find one or two more so I could share the love. The combination of the jam packed clearance items I was attempting to rifle through, and my 3 year old wildly pushing a stuffed dog in a doll stroller in circles around the sale racks (that is a story for another day) prevented me acquiring additional shirts.

I wanted to find a shirt for Michele to take on her journey to California.
I wanted to find a shirt for Angie.

The shirt made me think of how she lived in California and loved it. I thought of her birthday next week, and how this shirt would make her smile because it will be a tough birthday for her without her grandma. I'll just have to find another way to make her smile.

Basically this IS the shirt of summer. Have you found your shirt yet?

10 things i hate

1. static cling
2. chapped lips
3. cuts on the tip of your finger
4. the doodlebops
5. guys that "holla" at the ladies
6. wind chill
7. dry hands and no hand cream
8. breast infections
9. mornings
10. getting in a slow checkout line with a child that is checked out

matching pajama pants

The meeting of my non-biological twin was a very stressful and exciting day. Especially since I did not know that I was meeting my non-biological twin on that day! If someone would have told me, "When you go to college you are going to meet your best friend. You will have tons in common, sometimes lead parallel lives, make similar mistake and triumphs, marry college roommates, work together, have babies at the same time, oh-and by the way-she will be your "randomly selected" freshman year college roommate," I would have never believed it. I think that Angie and my pairing as roommates has to be the most successful match in all of roommate selection history.

There was a survey, a phone call, and then, the infamous introduction. On taking the survey I thought, "I am going to get the left over roommate that I have nothing in common with when we are the last two people left that they have to pair together. Or I will end up with a home schooled missionary kid with a stuffed animal collection." On making the call I thought, "Wow, I am glad she knows what Doc Martins are!" On meeting her I thought, "She looks pretty cool in her Tommy Hilfiger tank and jean shorts. I think she might be normal." I should have known, when we went to bed that night and had matching pajama pants, this was the real thing!

If there is ever a doubt in my mind that God knows what he is doing in my life, or that he has somehow forgotten about me; all I need to do is think about my best friend. I went to college a somewhat unstable girl with an identity crisis. I needed a true friend and confidante. Someone to dance with and share crazy stories. Some one to cry with and share hard times. Someone to kick me in the pants when I was being an idiot and help me see bad choices. Someone to pray with me and encourage me to make good choices. I did not know I needed all of those things when I went to college, but God did, and He decided why not bring a person into my life to be all of those things I needed.

It did not take us long to discover that we were very much non-biological twins simply birthed from different mothers. Hardly anyone believed we were randomly matched college roommates. It seemed like we had known each other our whole lives. Today I realize we will know each other for the rest of our lives. She will always be my best friend. If my daughters ask me someday, "How do I know if she is my best friend?" I will say:

A best friend...
wears matching outfits with you even if they do not find it to be as exciting as you do.
A best friend...
shares clothes with you and teaches you that there are more laundry categories than simply "dark" and "lights."
A best friend...
dances with you at 2a.m.
A best friend...
tells you things you don't want to hear.
A best friend...
lets you color her hair with a marker in class so that you can both stay awake.
A best friend...
keeps your secrets and tells you hers.
A best friend...
lets you sleep with her on your birthday even though thats not her thing.
A best friend...
saves you when you need to be saved.
A best friend...
stays your friend even when she's not sure who you are.
A best friend...
finds you when you are lost.
A best friend...
trusts you even when trust has been broken.
A best friend...
stands up for you on your wedding day.
A best friend...
embarrasses you when she tells your wedding guests you wear men's underwear.
A best friend...
knows you don't have to talk every day to stay friends.
A best friend...
visits you in the hospital when you have your first child.
A best friend...
travels to the opposite end of the globe from you so you can truly rule the world!
A best friend...
dreams big dreams with you and for you.
A best friend...
always tells you what you need to hear.
A best friend...
just knows.
A best friend...
will always be there for you no matter what.
A best friend...
knows that your friendship can withstand anything.
A best friend...
wears matching pajama pants.

a young old woman

I recently went to the doctor's office to see if my 78 day old baby ( I heard them refer to her as 78 days old when they were checking something with my insurance) had conjunctivitis-aka-pink eye. As I proceeded to the reception counter to check in, the nurse (who looked like she was in her early thirties) gasped, "You look so young!" I did not hear what she said at first as I was bending down to shove back in the pacifier that had popped out. I was sure she must have said something like, "You look so tired!" or, "You look so bad!" Both of which were very true at the moment. I stood back up and said, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" She repeated, "You look SO young!" I didn't quite know how to respond, one, because I do not think I look that young, two, I did not know if she was happy about this declaration or mad, and three, I have never been greeted that way at the doctor's office or anywhere for that matter before. My immediate response was a somewhat defensive, "I'm 27!" I did have to think for a split second to make sure I was in fact 27. The nurse half smiled as she proceeded to pull up my daughter's file. After a couple more typical doctor's office check in questions she laughed, shook her head, and declared once again, "You just look so young!" I wanted to shout back, "WHAT the heck are you talking about! Do you not see the lines starting to form under my eyes and the patch of gray hair sprouting out of my hairline!" Instead I again, somewhat defensively replied, "I also have a two year old (like that some how makes me look older) and a husband, and I had the husband before the babies." I hoped that reciting my stats might age me in her eyes. She just smiled. I went to sit down in the waiting area and thought to myself, "That was weird."
Here are a few reasons I am not That Young:
1. My body has been producing gray hair for 8 years. I now officially have more gray hair than I can remove with tweezers. I try not to look at my face too close in the mirror for fear of discovering even more gray hair.
2. When I hear current rap music as I am flipping through the radio stations I think to myself, "What IS this crap! This is the most pointless song ever."
3. I look at my sister who is currently turning 20 and a college student and think that she and all her friends don't look old enough to drive!
4. I have suffered a serious decrease in brain power. Recently at the store I was asked how old I was and I replied, "28." I did not even realize until I relayed the story to someone later that I am in fact, not 28.

I guess I am a young old woman.

a nanny day

This morning as I slowly opened my eyes and rolled over towards my stirring baby girl I was met by projectile spit up right across my chest (ironic that it should land where it originated from). Immediately it soaked through my shirt and through my favorite nursing bra. I was particularly sad about this part, since I would now need to do a load of laundry to wash this bra. That was how this morning started.
On this particular morning, more so than other mornings, I felt like I had been hit by a 5 ton truck. Not a good way to start the day. Before I even had a chance to think about a cup of coffee my 2 year old was complaining and whining about something the little einsteins were doing. Apparently, she did not want them to help the little blue car and this was very upsetting to her. Well, what started out as a simple protest of the the little einsteins, turned into a 3 hour tantrum which brings us to this point in time where I am hurriedly writing down this experience before Isla grows tired of looking at her tiny love animals on her activity mat. Finally, Aislynn appears to have stopped crying and fallen into the sleep which she so desperately needed this morning. And so I have learned four important lessons all before noon.
1. Aislynn should not go to bed at 10pm. She will wake up early the next day and she will be in a bad mood about it.
2. Aislynn should not watch the little einsteins when she is in a bad mood. She will have no patience for their adventure.
3. Owning 20 bras but having one you currently like in the rotation is not a wise idea when you are lactating and have a baby that spits up as a part time job. Buy a new bra.
4. Having a nanny is a wonderful idea. Never judge anyone for having one. Instead congratulate them for being so smart and rich.